life goals: part one

Right. Let’s get this thing started.
Life Goals:
1 getting it started (see above)
2 getting it done
3 getting it done without getting metaphorically/literally Smushed by something/one.

HOW TO ACHIEVE SAID ‘LIFE GOALS’:

1. Getting It Started.
A vital step in the process of doing Anything.
You see, I find that some people think they have it all sorted. They think they have, if you will, the Fox in the Bag. The course. The job. The girl. The guy. The praise. The glory.
These people are all wrong. You see, the key to having it all sorted, to having, excuse the gesture, the Book on the Shelf, is this: Doing by Undoing.
If you are like me, you have this proverbial Car in the Garage due to an overwhelming ability to be lazy and to also get it done.
Watch and learn...



If you are like me, you have it All Sorted in a unique sort of way. You probably spend most days on the couch. When you are not on the couch you’re thinking about going for a run, before deciding against it and going back to the couch. When you are feeling like you should Do Something That’s Actually A Thing, you’re probably upstairs dusting off that book you bought on Amazon in your early, naïve college days, when you said things like:

‘I love Chaucer’

and:

‘Derrida: what an intellect.’

And when you’re not doing any of these things, you’re in college. And when you’re there, you’re distracting the person behind you by playing three different types of solitaire on your laptop and gazing at the lecturer with a kind of mock awe, or ‘mawe’. When not painting the town red by listening to a viral You Tube song on a four-hour loop, you are probably at home watching Sky Sports News. On a loop. And listening to the same song. Again.
If you are anything like me you will not have gotten anything really ‘started’, in the traditional sense of the word, except maybe a really good solitaire run of like five games in a row.
But do you have any of these concerns:

1. my boyfriend is like super nice but he’s friends with these girls and they fancy him and then he forgot that it was our 34^th day anniversary and then he said that it wasn’t a big deal but it was a big deal to me it was a big deal to me maybe we just want different things…

2. the secretary of my society is driving me up the focking wall like will she just stop being such a whore and just get the thing done I mean do I have to do everything around here, it’s like being in a bloody circus, yeah, I said it, it’s like BEING IN A BLOODY CIRCUS, no you stuff yourself…

3. I only got 70% in my assignment so I cried myself to sleep for a week.

Well, do you?
No. While other people who seem to be ‘getting it done’ get stressed, you get ice-cream. When they deliberate between this and that, you deliberate between Ben and Jerry and you decide to go with both.
Win-win.

You want to get the thing started? You want to make the most of your college life?
 It’s hard to be Someone when you’re not very good at anything. Except maybe solitaire, and knowing instinctively when Frasier is on.
(Which, incidentally, I am VERY good at.)

So take my advice. Don’t Pro-Act when you could Un-Act. Life is fine. Everything’s fine. Divine. When you’re in college, you’ve already gotten it started. But one thing I do advise: start asking yourself some deep and Metafizzical questions – with extra fizz, if you don’t mind the sentiment. I started by asking myself these Singular questions of a Most Powerful Nature:

1. Why sit when you can lie? Especially useful when it comes to watching Midsomer Murders.

2. Why do the reading before a tutorial when it’s so much more exciting to be surprised when you get there? I like surprises.


3. Why take notes when you could play THREE DIFFERENT TYPES OF SOLITAIRE?

Seriously. Take a leaf out of This Book.
Be cool. Take it cool.

And Bon Blog!